i was born a porn star she said
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
