making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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