i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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