I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize