I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
