my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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