1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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