Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
