my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
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