I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Randomize
