Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
