just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life