We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
