and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
my sisters under your porch take her home
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
