You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
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