the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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