I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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