i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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