My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
