How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
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