I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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