Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
