the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
