I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
You are the jesus of drinking
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
