Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Randomize
