so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
