i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
