3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
