she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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