Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
