You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
