separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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