she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
