The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
