can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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