I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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