Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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