I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
