he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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