Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
