I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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