just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I have fence marks all over my body
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
