I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
