Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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