we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
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