This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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