Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
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My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
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WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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