Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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