I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
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