I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
