ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
