There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
We need to get me chipped asap
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
