I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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