I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Randomize
