I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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