I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
