Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
foreskin is a definite game changer
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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